What I Should Have Said
by DrKCooper
Summary: What Jane should have said to Maura during "I'm Your Boogie Man" (1x8) when Maura said she was like Hoyt and what may have happened between Jane's date with Agent Dean and the events of "The Beast In Me" (1x9). Rated M for future chapters.
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: All recognizable _Rizzoli & Isles_ characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners including, but not limited to Tess Gerritsen. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this fan fiction story. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No financial gain is associated with the publishing of this story. No copyright infringement is intended._

_A/N: The idea for this story began with Season 1, Episode 8 and resurfaced recently with the Colbie Caillat song "I Never Told You." I like how this story fills the void of what happened between Jane's date with Dean and the 'whatever you want, I can get it' comment when Maura was missing (from episode 9). As you've probably noticed, I enjoy rewriting or adding to established canon._

**What I Should Have Said**

Maura interrogated Hoyt so I wouldn't have to. Granted, I was taken off the case, but I know it was Maura's way of protecting me. She didn't have to face him, yet she did. For me.

That's why what she said about being like him was heartbreaking.

"_You okay? Come on, Maura, talk to me. He's a freak. He gets to everybody," I said as I looked across the desk at my best friend._

"_I didn't - I did a lot of research into his background; his childhood. Maybe he's not wrong," she said with a seriousness that concerned me._

"_What are you talking about?"_

"_Maybe I am a little bit like him."_

" _You are __nothing__ like him," I insisted._

"_I don't - I don't know, Jane. I was a __weird__ kid."_

"_Were you __killing__ small animals?" I asked and Maura chuckled._

"_No, but I dissected a lot of frogs."_

"_That's different," I said, wishing Maura could see herself the way I see her._

"_I just started to think about things that I never really thought about before," she said as she stood and began to pace in front of me._

"_Here it comes. There __are__ bodies buried in your basement," my joking did nothing to curb the return of Maura's seriousness._

"_I spent a lot of time alone. I was adopted, my father was a professor and my mother she - she came from a wealthy family and was an only child," Maura sat back down, a look of distress on her face. "I just realized something when I was reading about Hoyt. It just never occurred to be before. There was a lot of benign neglect," she paused. _

_My heart was breaking for Maura. Shattering as I watched her before me. This ridiculously smart, strong woman was torn up inside because of what Charles Hoyt said to her._

"_It's not that they didn't love me. It's just that I didn't ask for much. I don't think I really knew how, and the less that I would ask for the less time that they would have for me," there were tears in Maura's eyes now. "They were just very, very involved in their own lives and in each other. They sent me to boarding school when I was ten. I actually think that I sent away for the brochure myself," it was the first time she'd smiled since she'd returned to being completely serious. I smiled with her, letting out a burst of breath that I hadn't realized I'd been holding.__"They were delighted," Maura smiled briefly. "I was really lost."_

"_Come here," I said._

_I leaned forward and took Maura's hands in mine. It took a moment before I could look into Maura's eyes. I knew if I didn't compose myself I would fall apart before I said to her what she needed to hear. _

"_No matter what happened to you, you are __nothing__ like that monster, okay? You're a little anti-social maybe, goofy," we both smiled, "that's, that's not the same thing."_

_I was still holding Maura's hands. We were looking into each other's eyes and we both smiled slightly._

"_Man we're a pair," I said and we both chuckled._

"_Thank you," she said sincerely, thanking me with a subtle smile._

When I replay that conversation in my head, as I have often in the days since as I've thought about my relationship with Maura, there's so much I wish I had said. There's so much I should have said.

I should have told her about the hundreds of ways that Hoyt has gotten to me over the years. She knows about my nightmares, but knows nothing about my insecurities, my fears, my belief that I am damaged because of Hoyt. When I told her that Hoyt gets to everyone, I didn't tell her how. How he gets into your mind and leaves you doubting every part of who you are. How he instills fear in a person without being anywhere near them.

I should have told Maura that her goofiness, her somewhat anti-social behavior is endearing. I love Maura's quirks. I should have told her that.

I should have told her that they may share a background in medicine, similar skill sets even, but the way they approach other human beings couldn't be more different. Empathy is foreign to Hoyt. I should have told Maura how much I admire the empathy she offers each of the victims that arrive in her morgue. She seeks justice for them. She fights to tell their story. However anti-social Maura may seem at times, she is another person with her inner circle. She's fiercely loyal, compassionate and sociable. I should have pointed that out to her.

When Maura mentioned the benign neglect of her childhood, my heart was breaking and I didn't say what she most needed to hear. What I should have said was how deserving Maura is of every bit of attention that can be lavished on her. She, more than anyone I know, deserves everything good in this world. She deserves someone to love her completely, care for her in ways she's never experienced, and remind her of how precious she is every single day.

As I was holding Maura's hands in mine, I couldn't help but think about our relationship. She is first and foremost my friend. I wish for her happiness above my own. I would give anything to be the one to make her happy. I've never told her that and when we sat looking into each other's eyes talking about Hoyt, I knew it wasn't the time.

The night I shared dinner with Agent Dean I realized where my heart was. Gabriel Dean is a good man, a caring man, but as I sat there talking to him about Hoyt and how I wasn't ready for someone to worry about me, I realized that someone already does worry about me. Maura. And I kissed him. I kissed him and as I was doing so I knew that I wasn't kissing him because I wanted him, I was kissing him because I wanted release. I wanted an outlet for everything I'd been feeling since the moment in the station with Maura. When he walked away, I felt a strange sense of relief. And my thoughts immediately went back to Maura.

I sat in my car for nearly an hour thinking about the moment earlier that day when I should have said so many things to my best friend. I thought about Agent Dean and how wrong kissing him was. Then I let the thought of kissing Maura into my mind. I was suddenly warm, wondering if what I was feeling was disrespectful to my best friend. Regardless, I put the car into gear and drove. How many chances would I get to say the things that should have been said as we sat in the precinct that day?

…

"Jane?" Maura asked as I stood on her doorstep, face still noticeably flushed from my thinking about the possibility of kissing her.

"I need to…can I come in?" I asked. My mind was swimming with everything I wanted to say.

"Of course," she said as she moved out of the way to let me in.

I stepped just enough inside for the door to have clearance to close. While Maura had her back to me to close the door, I summoned my courage and reminded myself of all the things I'd told myself I should have said to her at the precinct.

"I thought you were going out with Agent Dean tonight. Jane is everything okay?" she asked as she turned around and noticed my eyes on her.

"Maura, when you were telling me about the research you did on Hoyt and the, umm, similarities you thought you'd seen between the two of you…"

"Thank you for reassuring me, Jane," Maura cut me off.

"Please, Maur, let me get this all out," I said as I reached for her forearm.

"Okay?" I could tell she was becoming concerned. I had never dropped my hand from her forearm and Maura had noticed.

"What I should have said is that you are an incredibly brilliant, compassionate, and caring woman. You are a better friend than I could have ever dreamed of having. I have never met a person more deserving of everything good in this world. You amaze me every single day Maura Isles. Your quirks are endearing, your loyalty fierce," the tears were welling up in Maura's eyes, my grip increasing on her forearm. "And you are…you're…beautiful," with that statement tears began to fall down Maura's cheeks.

As her tears began to fall, I remembered that moment in the precinct when I wanted to hold her in my arms and kiss away her tears. I'd sat across from her at that desk and simply held her hands in mine. I'd hoped there would come a moment when I could do more to comfort her. Now was my time.

"Maur…" I whispered as I moved closer to her, leaving mere inches between us. My hands cupped her face, thumbs wiping away the tears that had fallen. "I'm blessed to have you in my life."

Maura hadn't said a word; the tears had continued to fall down her cheeks. I couldn't resist the urge I had to lean in and kiss her forehead. One, light kiss and the warmth I'd felt in the car while thinking about the possibility of kissing this woman returned.

_To Be Continued…_


	2. Chapter 2

**What I Should Have Said** (Chapter 2)

Simply kissing Maura's forehead was exhilarating. One, light kiss. The warmth from earlier was overtaking my body, my heart was accelerating.

"I…" I started to say as I pulled Maura into my arms.

"Jane?" Maura's voice was raw with emotion.

"Yeah?" I answered as I pulled back and looked at Maura.

There was something different in her eyes than the moment before. The tears had stopped and her pupils had widened. What I saw in her eyes was something I'd never seen before, certainly not directed at me. When her neck began to flush I knew immediately what that look in her eyes meant—desire.

As much as I knew that whatever happened from here would change everything between us, I didn't want to spend hours, days, even weeks regretting what I should have done just as I had spent hours on end regretting what I should have said. Now was our moment.

"I want…" I started to say, but Maura pressed her index finger to my lips. Her eyes never left mine.

"Jane, thank you, but please don't say another word," she uttered, dropping her finger from my lips.

I barely had time to miss the feeling of her finger on my lips before she leaned in and pressed her soft lips to mine. I was momentarily stunned. I'd hoped for so much, yet never really imagined that something like this could happen. Honestly, I never thought I'd allow myself this pleasure, however brief. I'm not sure had Maura not done so I would have made the first move. Before I'd even had time to process what was happening, Maura had broken our kiss. I was afraid to look at her for fear I would see rejection there. However, when I lifted my eyes to hers, I saw the opposite of rejection—want.

Maura's fingers were in my hair, her mouth on mine. I found I was pushing her back toward the front door by her hips. Maura groaned as her back made contact with the door. Then as my hips came flush with hers, she responded with a moan. It was the sexiest sound I'd ever heard. Her choice of sound effects was rewarded with my tongue entering her mouth.

I ran my hands up Maura's sides and met her hands in my hair. We intertwined our fingers and I forced her hands above her head against the door. Maura responded to my putting her hands above her head by thrusting her hips toward mine.

"God…" I grunted.

Crossing my left hand over both of Maura's to hold her wrists against the door, I used my free hand to run back down Maura's side. The response of Maura's nipples signaled either she was ticklish, aroused or both. Her moaning told me she was aroused. My growing wetness was not surprising given what was playing out.

"Jane?" Maura panted, her hands still under mine. Our kiss broken by her question, my mouth went to her neck.

"Hmm…" I mumbled in between kisses along her neck and collarbone.

"Why did you go out with Agent Dean tonight?" Maura's serious question stopped my mouth from continuing to her chest.

As I dropped Maura's hands from above her head, I was at a loss as to how to answer her question. I knew why I'd kissed him, something I wasn't about to share with Maura, but I had no idea why I agreed to go out with him in the first place. His persistence, maybe. Maura's eyes were on me as I searched for an answer.

"I really don't know," I said.

My arms were at my sides, Maura and I were separating our bodies slowly. Hurt registered on Maura's face. I was beginning to feel like a complete asshole. When I knocked on Maura's door that night, I had no intention of hurting her. I wanted to comfort her, reassure her. And now she was before me hurt by something I did before I even showed up at her house.

"Maybe you should go," Maura said quietly. I could see the tears welling up in her eyes again and I knew this had everything to do with my dinner with Agent Dean. I couldn't blame her; I went on a date with a man and ended up here kissing her.

"Maura, please," I began, reaching for her hands. It wasn't lost on me that holding her hands in mine is how this all began.

"You said I deserve everything good in this world, Jane. How can I deserve you going on a date with an attractive man, one who is clearly interested in you, only to have you show up here afterward? It's Joey Grant again."

Everything Maura was saying was absolutely true. She deserves so much more than what I brought to her doorstep tonight. She deserves so much more than this. And now I'll regret coming here, kissing her and what I should have said when she asked me why I went out with Gabriel Dean.


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: Thank you for your kind reviews and as always for your patience. -DKC_

**What I Should Have Said** (Chapter 3)

The hurt in Maura's eyes was breaking my heart. When I told her I didn't know why I'd gone out with Gabriel Dean, I truly didn't imagine it would hurt her. I certainly never thought that telling her I didn't know why I'd gone out with him would begin a standoff.

"Maura, it isn't Joey Grant again," I started, but Maura turned her back on me so I wouldn't see her tears.

Just moments before the tears that were welling up in Maura's eyes had been those of genuine happiness. When I began telling her what I should have said that moment in the precinct, she was happily surprised by the emotion I was showing towards her. I hadn't simply imagined the desire in her eyes. But I'd blown it. Instead of telling her why I went out with Gabriel Dean, I shrugged her question off. I didn't give it the consideration Maura so greatly deserved.

"Please look at me," I pleaded as I placed my right hand on Maura's right shoulder. I felt Maura stiffen at my touch.

"I turned up in your lab that night after my mom set me up with Grant, but it was nothing like tonight," I said softly, hoping Maura wouldn't ask me to elaborate.

"You're right, it isn't like Grant. But you have feelings for me now. At least that's how I interpreted what you were saying to me earlier and that's certainly how my body interpreted what we were doing a few minutes ago. Am I wrong?" Maura asked as she turned around to face me.

"You're not at all wrong," I said, dropping my eyes from Maura's and looking at my fidgeting hands.

"I don't understand, Jane."

"You don't understand how I can have feelings for you?" I asked, honestly unsure of what Maura was hung up on.

"No, I understand that. I've felt the same. What I don't understand is how if you have feelings for me, feelings that didn't just manifest themselves after you walked through my door, you could go out with him," Maura said in a tone laced with anger.

"Are you kidding me?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"I assure you, Jane, I was being completely serious," she responded.

"You've been going out with every dick with a pulse for months and you're angry at _me_ because I went to dinner with Agent Dean?" Unfortunately, my incredulousness was winning out.

"That's not fair!" Maura practically shouted. She again turned her back on me and began walking toward the kitchen.

Something about Maura and I that is rather unique to our friendship is that we never fight. If kissing her changed all that, I wish I could take it all back. I didn't like the anger I saw in her, directed at me or otherwise.

"I'm sorry, Maur," I said as I approached her in the kitchen.

Her back still to me, I got within a foot of her and reached out to grab her hand. Surprisingly, she didn't flinch or shake me off. Almost immediately when I took her hand I felt her squeeze mine in return. She slowly turned around and I saw the tears falling down her cheeks once again. I hated knowing that I was the cause of those tears.

"I'm _so_ sorry," I said as I turned Maura toward me and embraced her.

"I'm sorry, too," Maura mumbled into my shirt, her face pressed to my chest.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Maura," I whispered as I kissed the top of her head.

"I didn't know I was hurting you with my social life, Jane," she said as she leaned back and looked up at me. "I've known my feelings for you, my attraction, but I never thought you'd feel the same and I didn't want to ruin our friendship by approaching you. I've felt this way for longer than I can quantify. The dates, well, they're just about sex. It's a biological need. The dates never meant anything to me. And they never could be you."

I'd never considered why Maura went out with as many men as she did. Everything she was saying to me mirrored what I'd realized as I sat with Gabriel Dean at dinner. I leaned in a briefly touched my lips to Maura's forehead, tilting my own head down afterward to rest my forehead against hers.

"God, when you asked me why I went out with Agent Dean, I didn't know what to say. What I should have said was that it was nice to have someone interested in me. Not just some guy that Ma fixed me up with, you know?" Maura chuckled at the mention of my mother.

"What I should have said was that the entire time I was sitting there with him I was thinking about you. I was telling him how I wasn't ready for someone to worry about me. But you worry about me, Maura. Every single day. No matter how goddamn stubborn I am, you worry about me. When you interrogated Hoyt so I wouldn't, you were doing it because you worry about me," tears were beginning to well in Maura's eyes now.

"Dean and I agreed to go our separate ways. I told him I wasn't ready. What I should have said when you asked why I went out with Agent Dean is that there is nothing between he and I. What I should have said was that I needed an outlet for all the emotions I'd been harboring since I held your hands in mine as you told me the similarities you saw, however misguided, between you and Hoyt. I realized that as I was kissing him," I said.

No sooner had 'kissing' left my mouth, Maura stiffened. Her eyes met mine, the anger and hurt had returned to them.

"You kissed him?" she cried as the tears began falling down her cheeks again.


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: Thank you for your continued reviews. Still trying to decide if I'll finish this one off with even more smut. What do you think? With future stories I may entertain prompts. Feel free to direct message me prompts (Rizzoli & Isles based) if there's something you'd like me to write about. -DKC_

**What I Should Have Said** (Chapter 4)

"Fuck…" I started. I'd kept my arms around Maura so she wouldn't pull away from me again. "I can't stand causing your tears, Maur."

"I'm not understanding this. You say you were thinking of me while you were eating dinner with him. You say you have feelings for him. And you showed up here tonight. But you kissed him?" Maura's anger had yet to reach her voice.

"I broke it off," I uttered. I was at a loss. We were going in circles.

"Oh, that makes it better somehow?" Maura responded as she started to pull away from me, my grip around her tightening. I'd leaned back against the kitchen island to gain leverage.

"Please," I begged. "I kissed him. I broke it off. We went our separate ways and I sat in the car wishing to god I'd been kissing you. I came here after sitting there for an hour over-analyzing my feelings for you. It took me an hour to get the courage up to come here and tell you what I should have said in the precinct. Hell, what I should have said the moment I realized I had feelings for you."

"You thought about kissing me?" she said as she simultaneously stopped trying to pull away from me.

"Yeah," I whispered, dropping my eyes from her intense stare.

"Is that why you were flushed when I answered the door?" Maura said, a slight smirk appearing.

"Quite possibly," I drawled. Jesus, she was turning me on with a simple smirk.

Maura's smirk had turned to something far more sinister. Without even formulating a response to the knowledge that I'd been thinking of kissing her, obviously aroused in my car, Maura's lips crashed into mine. Despite our kissing earlier, I hadn't expected her lips once again on mine. I pulled her into me. As my back hit painfully against the island counter, I groaned.

"Mmm," Maura moaned as her hips thrust into mine, clearly a response to my groan.

Our lips hadn't parted, our tongue circling the other. After all of the tears I'd caused, I couldn't believe I was kissing the woman before me once again. My hands were in Maura's perfect hair; her hands were on my hips. My lips left Maura's mouth and traveled to her ear lobe, down her jaw and to her neck.

"Jane?"

"Hmm," responding would have ended my assault on Maura's neck.

"Jane?" she insisted.

Given what I'd put this woman through since I arrived on her doorstep, I was afraid I'd pushed the limits of whatever this could be between us.

"I'm sorry," I muttered, not wanting to make eye contact. My eyes remained on her neck and collarbone where my mouth had just been.

"Jane, please look at me," she whispered.

When I looked into Maura's eyes, I once again feared rejection. However, like earlier I saw no semblance of rejection. Her eyes were dark again, her pupils wide. Not only were their marks from where my mouth had been on her neck, she was noticeably flushed.

"Let me worry about you," she paused. "Let me continue to worry about you. And let me…let me love you."

With those last two words our mouths crashed together. My hands left Maura's hair, making their way slowly down her sides. My pinkies brushed the sides of her breasts, causing an amazingly sensual moan from her mouth into mine. As my hands reached her hips, her hands had reached into my hair, pulling my mouth even further into hers. How we were even taking breaths was beyond my comprehension in the exhilaration of the moment. Sliding from her hips up under her shirt, I couldn't resist the urge to rub gently over Maura's hard nipples. Her mouth left mine and began assaulting my neck. It was the most incredible sensation.

"Maur, if we're doing this, I can't stand this fucking counter in my back much longer," I huffed. With that, Maura released my neck and looked into my eyes.

"If?" Maura said with that flirtatious smirk.

Before I had the wherewithal to respond, Maura was tugging my hand and leading me toward her bedroom. My eyes were on her ass, an ass greatly benefited by constant wearing of heels. When she looked back at me, maybe to ensure I wasn't panicked, she saw my eyes on her ass. In one fluid motion, Maura's hands were back in my hair, her mouth on mine, and her body forcing me against the hallway wall.

"Jesus," I moaned as she took my left earlobe into her mouth. "You're killing me, woman."

Maura seemed surprised by how husky my voice was. Her hands left my hair, sliding down my neck and collarbone where she was now kissing. As Maura's hands reached my hips, I pressed into her. Slowly Maura's hands reached around and cupped my ass.

"Fuck," I moaned.

My complete wetness, the rubbery nature of my legs and my nearing release made it impossible to continue making out in the hallway, bodies standing flush against one another.

"Now," I pleaded, grabbing Maura's hands and leading the way.

When I looked back at Maura, there was nothing but wanton need on her face. Her cheeks and chest crimson, her nipples poking through her satin shirt and her hair wild. She was stunningly beautiful. The look on her face told me she was close, too. There was no way we would make it to her bedroom.

As I led her the guest room, the very room I'd shared a bed with her many times, I was overcome by my desire and love for the woman before me. This time, I wasn't going to screw it up by what I should have said.

"God, I love you," I whispered.


	5. Chapter 5

**What I Should Have Said** (Chapter 5)

As I worried over what I should have said that moment in the precinct, I never imagined it would lead to this. I'd confessed my love for my best friend. I kissed her. Hell, I even fondled her. And, at the rate we were going, I was about to make love to her. Maura, my best friend in the world, was about to be my lover.

"God, you're sexy as hell," I rasped as I pulled Maura's shirt over her head in between open-mouthed kisses.

"Mmhmm," Maura hummed as she started to unbutton my jeans.

"And so modest," I chuckled.

My knees were against the small bench at the foot of Maura's bed, my hands snaking around to unclasp Maura's lace bra. As I released her bra and slipped it down her arms, her beauty was mesmerizing. Maura and I had changed in the same room before, but the glances I'd stolen left me riddled with guilt. The relief of finally being able to look at her, really taken her in, was indescribable.

"Jane?" Maura whispered after I'd sucked in breath. "Take me."

With those simple two words, I gently lowered to the bench and pulled Maura to me. She stood, straddling me as I unzipped her trousers. I slowly pulled them down Maura's exquisite legs, savoring every inch of her. The mere realization that Maura was straddling me took my breath.

"This must go," Maura stated as she pulled my t-shirt up over my head. "Oh," she gasped. The discovery that I wasn't wearing a bra left her speechless and led to her pressing her chest into mine as she resumed kissing me.

Maura was not only straddling me, she was beginning to grind into me. Our kissing had become beyond eager. As I tugged on Maura's bottom lip, I was thrilled by the sensation of her delicate fingers making contact with my rocklike nipples. My mouth exploring her neck and collarbone rewarded her dexterous touch.

Just as I reached Maura's pulse point, she forced me backward. The height of the bench was relatively even with Maura's bed. She'd unbuttoned my jeans moments before and easily pulled them as well as my underwear off of me, standing only briefly to do so. The look on Maura's face as she watched me while sliding off her own lacy underwear is something I hope to never forget and something I hope to experience many times to come. One completely primal look from her left me jealous of every single man she'd let into her bed. Those times may have been just sex for her, but this was so much more than that. This was a collision of two souls who had yearned for this moment for an unbearably long time.

Slowly Maura began to crawl on top of me, I'm sliding upward so we are both completely on the bed. I am consumed by the vision before me. I cannot resist her breasts, palming them gently at first then kneading them firmly. She begins grinding into me, her wetness noticeable. As I'm kneading her breasts and watching her intently, her slow grinding introduces her folds to mine. We both moan.

"God, if I'd known," I hear myself say, though I'm having an almost out of body experience.

Maura captures my mouth with hers, cutting off any further comment I could have mustered. Her precise fingers return to my nipples where they dance skillfully. Reaching for her impeccable ass, I smile inwardly at all of the shit I've given her about wearing high heels to crime scenes. Thank god she does. As I grip her ass, pulling her further into me our swollen clits touch.

"Jesus Christ!" I nearly scream. The sensation is the most erotic I have ever felt. The look on Maura's face tells me the sensation is sending her rapidly toward release.

"Jane…I'm close," she hums as her mouth leaves mine briefly to bite my shoulder.

"Fuck!" I rasp. Such beautifully, sensual pain.

Still reeling from her biting my shoulder, I am further stunned as one of Maura's delicate fingers enters me. Our clits remain rubbing against one another, how her hand was able to reach me I can't comprehend. She is plunging into me, curling at the right depth. Her mouth is on mine again, her tongue deep in my mouth and I am sucking for everything I am worth. A second finger enters, her tongue plunges deep again and I can't contain my own release.

"Maura!" I scream as my release joins hers, hers reached by the incredible sensation our swollen clits together have caused.

Maura collapses on me and I am spent. She takes her wet fingers into her mouth and then kisses me. I taste both of us on her fingers. Whatever guilt was beginning to sneak in from her pleasing me instead of the other way around is washed away when she rolls onto her right elbow to look at me.

"I've always worried about you, Jane. And, if I am being honest with myself, I've always loved and wanted you. That's what _I_ should have said," she whispers.

_-finis-_


End file.
